the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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