I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
