I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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