The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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