I love black thongs
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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