I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
