Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
