made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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