Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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