He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
