Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
