all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
