today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
