apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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