The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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