My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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