Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
