Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
