I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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