Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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