He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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