My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
