Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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