thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
