Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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