So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
