I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
