i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
