dude i'm inner monologue high
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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