He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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