her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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