Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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