Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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