from now on my penis is your penis
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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