So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
