listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
