He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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