got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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