ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
