i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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