I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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