Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
