Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
