I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
