I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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