I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
