just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
