It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
