I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
