Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My feet surprised me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
