No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
