hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
