Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
