I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
