Jerry, you need to find god
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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