there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground