Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"