Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I believe in your delicious
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?