We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.