he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
