I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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